Defeating Fear’s Grip

By Sophia Lefaivre

WRI 111: Writing Seminar

To read student-editor Brandi Bangle’s comments on the writing moves found in this essay, click on or hover over the footnotes within the text.

The room’s darkness is broken up by quick bursts of rainbow, flashing lights. Hazy faces spin by in slow motion. The music slowly creeps into every bone in my body until the walls begin to close in and the light no longer breaks up the momentary darkness. ¹ I can suddenly hear my own heart beat. The lights, the people, the sound. A rush of heat rises from my toes all the way up to my head. The lights, the people, the sound. A bitter taste seeps from the walls of my cheeks and my eyes begin to well with tears. The lights, the people, the sound. I try to scream, but I can’t hear my own voice. I try to run, but my arms and legs go numb. The lights, the people, the sound. The lights, the people, the sound.²

My paralyzed body stands still as I watch visions of dancing in my brand new, sparkly, pink dress at my very first school dance vanish right before my six-year-old eyes. Suddenly, my older sister, Juliette, jolts me back into reality when her familiar voice asks, “Sophia, are you okay?” The dam that had been holding my tears back bursts ³ and I run as fast as my little high-heeled shoes would allow, out of the dance and into the hallway. Chest pumping in and out, tears streaming down my face, and hands tightly cupped over my ears, all I can manage to express is “It’s too loud! It’s too loud!” ⁴ A small crowd starts to form around me and I can hear someone remark, “What’s wrong with Sophia?” For five excruciating minutes, my family, teachers, and strangers attempt to calm me down, only making my breathing heavier and my crying more hysteric. Defeated by fear’s grip, ⁵ both embarrassed and confused, my dad and sister escort me out of the school dance.

I was experiencing an anxiety-induced panic attack. Generalized anxiety disorder is a mental illness characterized by “excessive anxiety and worry, occurring more days than not… about a number of events or activities” in which the worrying is difficult to control and “out of proportion to the actual likelihood of the anticipated event” (American Psychiatric Association, sec. 300.02). It can be expressed with a variety of symptoms including restlessness, difficulty concentrating, or being easily fatigued (APA, sec. 300.02). A panic attack is a manifestation of generalized anxiety disorder and is defined as “an abrupt surge of intense fear or intense discomfort that reaches a peak within minutes” (APA, sec. 300.01). It is accompanied by a number of physical symptoms including heart palpitations, sweating, shortness of breath, nausea, light-headedness, numbness, and depersonalization or “the feeling that one’s mind is dissociated from one’s body” (APA, sec. 300.01; “Depersonalization”).

Generalized anxiety disorder also tends to permeate the social sphere. A sea of third grade kids rush out of the school’s iron grey back doors and onto the playground. After the momentary blindness, I soak in the feeling of the warm sun on my skin ⁶ then head straight towards my favorite activity: the monkey bars. One by one, my hands weave through the smooth metal bars. Then, all of a sudden, my sweat-soaked palm slips and I fall straight to the ground. Catching myself with just my right hand supporting the entire weight of my body, I feel my wrist give way. “Oh no! I hope nobody saw that.” Eyes quickly scan left and right and, when the coast is clear, I stand up. ⁷ My right arm dangles idly beside me as its weight seems to double. Tears slowly well in my eyes as the pain throbs in and out. “You need to tell a teacher that you got hurt. No, no you cannot. What if she causes a commotion? What if she gets mad at you? What if she decides to take the monkey bars off the playground because she thinks they’re too dangerous for the other kids since you got hurt? Do you really want to be the one responsible for everyone not having fun?” ⁸ Deciding that the pain of talking to the teacher is more than the pain of my broken wrist, I untie the sweatshirt from around my waist and slip it over my head, concealing the black and blue bruising ⁹ that had already begun.

Whereas the pain in my arm was a feeling, generalized anxiety disorder is not. ¹⁰ It is not merely the state of being anxious, but rather persistent worrying that does not have an identifiable cause and is excessive, debilitating, and chronic. While common worrying is proportional to the problems that cause it and can be easily managed, generalized anxiety disorder is accompanied by “excessive” worrying that is “more pervasive, pronounced, and distressing; have longer duration; and frequently occur without precipitants” (APA, sec. GAD – Diagnostic Features). ¹¹ Secondly, generalized anxiety disorder is more often accompanied by physical symptoms (APA, sec. GAD – Diagnostic Features). Next, generalized anxiety disorder results in distress and “related impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning” (APA, sec. GAD – Diagnostic Features). Most importantly, “the symptoms of generalized anxiety disorder tend to be chronic and wax and wane across the lifespan” rather than fleeting once the subject of worrying has been resolved (APA, sec. GAD – Diagnostic Features).

Chronic indeed as three years later, I’m lying in bed, tossing and turning. ¹² My throat is filled with the same swelling sensation that it had ever since I walked through my middle school doors for the first time that day. ¹³ Although I had felt like this many times before, it seemed to escalate to another level. Three times, I run into the school bathroom to catch my panting breath amidst the suffocating hallways. Looking into my tear-stained face in the mirror, I can barely recognize the person staring back at me. She is confused, lost, and broken. ¹⁴ I find myself unable to concentrate in the classroom as I break out into a full body sweat and my stomach begins to tangle into knots just like the thoughts that cause them.

Suddenly, the metallic boom of the air conditioning unit in my room lifts me out of my spiral of thoughts and into the present. ¹⁵ “There’s got to be a way out of this,” I think to myself as I lay staring at my ceiling. I unlock my phone and set an alarm for 4:00 a.m. When the time comes, I slip out of my sheets and into the kitchen, quietly mixing a concoction of milk and orange juice. Then, I tip-toe up the stairs and pour my saving potion into the toilet. Waking up my mom from her slumber, I inform her that I had gotten sick and can’t go to school the next day. She believes me. ¹⁶ However, this only earned me one day of freedom. When I return to school next, I devise a new plan. On Monday, immediately after getting off the bus, I decide to go to the nurse, complaining of a stomach ache and refuse to go back to class until my mom picks me up from school. On Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, I repeat this process.

I was always under the assumption that everyone felt the way I did. Only looking back in retrospect can I truly see how dysfunctional my thoughts and behaviors were. Your fight-or-flight response should not set off in the middle of a school gathering. You should not be so afraid to talk to someone that you sit with a broken wrist for the rest of the day. You should not be missing weeks of school because you have been overtaken by a mysterious sickness to which there is no identifiable cause. ¹⁷ Still, I can’t help but think about all of the missed opportunities and all of the time I spent worrying. Because of this, I am advocating for the implementation of earlier education about mental health and anxiety disorders in schools so that other kids don’t have to go through what I did for the first fourteen years of my life. ¹⁸

Mental health is just as important as physical health and should be treated as such. ¹⁹ Health, as defined by the World Health Organization, is “a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity” (WHO). However, my elementary school emphasized physical activity and healthy eating with weekly PE classes and yearly lectures on the food pyramid. ²⁰ If the definition of health includes both physical and mental wellbeing, why is it that only New York mandates mental health as part of the mandatory curriculum in kindergarten through twelfth grade (Vestal)? ²¹ As seen in my personal experience, anxiety is very much a physical illness, manifesting itself in fatigue, trouble sleeping, sweating, and nausea. Furthermore, research conducted by the NCBI, Harvard Medical School, and the Journal of Digestive Diseases has shown that the long-term worrying associated with generalized anxiety disorder can be linked to an increased risk of heart disease, increased risk to disease due to a weakened immune system, and gastrointestinal disorders (Blumenthal and Smith; Harvard Medical School; Hartono et al.). Since a reciprocal relationship exists between mental illness and physical health, it only makes sense that schools promote both aspects of well-being from the beginning.

Studies have shown that addressing mental health early on leads to many benefits. Simply providing information to students on the signs and symptoms of various disorders results in “reducing stigma and increasing positive attitudes toward seeking therapy” (Hobson). This correlation also extends to those who do not suffer with mental disorders. For example, prevention and early intervention training in California’s higher education system for staff and students leads to “increased confidence and likelihood to intervene and refer students with mental health issues,” creating an accepting and communal effort in schools for the improvement of overall well-being (Osilla et al.). ²² Since currently “1 in 5 youth have a mental health condition, but… fewer than half receive any mental health services,” ²³ instituting mental health education in schools has the capacity to drive this staggering number down by providing students with the information needed to detect a possible disorder and the opportunity to receive treatment (NAMI).

Furthermore, schools should feel an ethical responsibility for educating students on mental health due to its contribution in worsening mental illnesses and the close connection between mental illness and school performance. Because “children spend more time in school than any other formal institutional structure,” it plays a crucial role in child psychological development (Fazel et al.). However, this also means that it plays a role in psychological decline. Schools have been linked to anxiety disorders as “in the Pew survey of teens, academic pressure tops their list of stressors: 61 percent say they face a lot of pressure to get good grades” (Flannery). Moreover, the diagnostic criteria for generalized anxiety disorder states that “in children and adolescents with generalized anxiety disorder, the anxieties and worries often concern the quality of their performance or competence at school” (APA, sec. GAD – Development and Course). Because of its role in exacerbating anxiety disorders, schools should work to prevent and treat them. Schools should also feel a strong incentive to educate and help students suffering with anxiety disorders due to the link between mental illness and school performance. For example, a study conducted by Temple University and University of North Carolina Greensboro comparing school functioning between non-diagnosed students and those with GAD found that “non-diagnosed youth were rated by teachers as working significantly harder, learning significantly better, doing significantly better academically” (Mychailyszyn et al.). Psychological dysfunction also reduces attendance rates as “high school students who experience psychosocial dysfunction are absent or tardy three times more than their mentally healthy peers” (Gall et al.). ²⁴ Thus, mental health education will not only lead to a healthier student body, but also a more productive and effective school setting.

Mental health education in my high school finally gave me the information necessary to detect my disorder and receive treatment, allowing me to function better both in school and in life. ²⁵ As I arrive to my general health class in ninth grade, my teacher announces that we will be covering a unit on the causes, symptoms, and treatments of various common mental disorders. I quickly begin to open my notebook and organize my colored pens, knowing that I’ll need to pay close attention to this chapter as I’ve never covered anything of the sort in school so far. ²⁶ As I listen to her describe anxiety, I am overcome by an overwhelming sense of familiarity. A sigh of relief rises from my lungs as I can finally put a name to the faceless tormenter that had been invoking fear in my life for so long. ²⁷ When I return home from school, I relate the epiphany I had in health class to my mom. She agrees understandingly, stating that she only wanted me to receive treatment when I was ready. Every other Thursday for the next year following that presentation, my mom would drive me straight from school to see my therapist. Sitting in Dr. Wright’s office, decorated with soothing silvers and blues, ²⁸ she teaches me to realize when I am experiencing anxiety-induced feelings of panic or irrational thoughts and gives me methods to cope. More than that, she assures me that what I am feeling is a chemical product of my brain that, like any muscle in my body, can be trained to achieve a physical goal.

As I sit here writing this paper, I am able to reflect on just how far I’ve come. The loud rhythms, energetic crowds, and flashing lights fill me with a rush of euphoria rather than terror as one of my favorite pastimes is attending concerts. Rather than being suffocated into silence by my anxiety-induced thoughts, I have used my words as an opportunity of expression, regularly sharing my poems at poetry club meetings or open mic nights. ²⁹ Gone are the days in which I had to feign an illness to avoid attending school as I have just about completed a smooth and successful transition into college where I look forward to engaging in class discussions. However, I was only able to come this far once I received treatment and I was only able to receive treatment when I was educated on what anxiety was.

Works Cited

American Psychiatric Association. “Anxiety Disorders.” Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, American Psychiatric Association, 2013. dsm-psychiatryonline-org.go.libproxy.wakehealth.edu (Atypon), doi:10.1176/appi.books.9780890425596.dsm05.

Blumenthal, James A., and Patrick J. Smith. “Risk Factors: Anxiety and Risk of Cardiac Events.” Nature Reviews. Cardiology, vol. 7, no. 11, Nov. 2010, pp. 606–08. PubMed Central, doi:10.1038/nrcardio.2010.139.

“Depersonalization | Definition & Facts.” Encyclopedia Britannica, https://www.britannica.com/science/depersonalization. Accessed 23 Oct. 2020.

Fazel, Mina, et al. “Mental Health Interventions in Schools 1.” The Lancet. Psychiatry, vol. 1, no. 5, Oct. 2014, pp. 377–87. PubMed Central, doi:10.1016/S2215-0366(14)70312-8.

Flannery, Mary. “The Epidemic of Anxiety Among Today’s Students – NEA Today.” NEA Today, 28 Mar. 2018, http://neatoday.org/2018/03/28/the-epidemic-of-student-anxiety/.

Gall, Gail, et al. “Utility of Psychosocial Screening at a School-Based Health Center.” The Journal of School Health, vol. 70, no. 7, Sept. 2000, pp. 292–98.

Hartono, Juanda Leo, et al. “Anxiety and Depression in Various Functional Gastrointestinal Disorders: Do Differences Exist?” Journal of Digestive Diseases, vol. 13, no. 5, 2012, pp. 252–57. Wiley Online Library, doi:10.1111/j.1751-2980.2012.00581.x.

Harvard Medical School. “Anxiety and Physical Illness – Harvard Health.” Harvard Health Publishing, https://www.health.harvard.edu/staying-healthy/anxiety_and_physical_illness. Accessed 19 Apr. 2020.

Hobson, Heather. The Effects of Mental Health Education on Reducing Stigma and Increasing Positive Attitudes toward Seeking Therapy. Humboldt State University, May 2008. humboldt-dspace.calstate.edu, http://dspace.calstate.edu/handle/2148/371.

Mychailyszyn, Matthew P., et al. “School Functioning in Youth With and Without Anxiety Disorders: Comparisons by Diagnosis and Comorbidity.” School Psychology Review, vol. 39, no. 1, Mar. 2010, pp. 106–121. EBSCOhost, search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=aph&AN=50286591&site=ehost-live.

NAMI. “Mental Health in Schools.” NAMI, https://nami.org/Advocacy/Policy-Priorities/Intervene-Early/Mental-Health-in-Schools. Accessed 20 Apr. 2020.

Osilla, Karen Chan, et al. “Mental Health Trainings in California’s Higher Education System Are Associated with Increased Confidence and Likelihood to Intervene with and Refer Students.” Mental Health Trainings in California’s Higher Education System Are Associated with Increased Confidence and Likelihood to Intervene with and Refer Students, RAND Corporation, 2015, pp. 1–4. JSTOR, JSTOR, https://www.jstor.org/stable/10.7249/j.ctt14bs269.1.

Vestal, Christine. “Many Recommend Teaching Mental Health in Schools. Now Two States Will Require It.” PEW, 15 June 2018. www.pewtrusts.org, https://pew.org/2JFnRVm.

WHO. “Frequently Asked Questions.” World Health Organization. www.who.int, https://www.who.int/about/who-we-are/frequently-asked-questions. Accessed 7 May 2020.

A Word from Sophia

In this essay, I attempted to provide a lens for the reader to see and feel what it’s like to live with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), conveying the pervasiveness and discomfort both physically and mentally, no matter how raw or uncomfortable it may seem. At first, I found it challenging to incorporate a narrative of the first fourteen years of my life with outside sources of research and evidence. I eventually decided on a format alternating between a series of vignettes and research. I felt as if vignettes were the most natural way to capture GAD that culminates in brief moments of intense nervousness and panic. Using the present tense, I wanted to make the scenes feel immediate as if the reader was right there with me. Moreover, I selectively chose to incorporate scenes that shed light on the sources explored in surrounding paragraphs. In writing the essay in this way, I was able to convey the intimate relationship between personal experience and public issues—between my journey with GAD and the 1 in 5 youth who are struggling with mental health right now.

Writing this essay nearing the end of my first year allowed for a timely reflection. I’ve found that only when looking back, can I see how far I’ve truly come. It’s important to put things into perspective every now and then and take pride in your accomplishments– to appreciate that things done without a second thought today would seem like a triumph just a few years back. While I continually grapple with the fact that I could’ve received treatment earlier, repeatedly asking myself what my life could’ve been like, this essay has since allowed me to recognize that although I may not have the power to change my past, I have the ability to change someone’s future.

From Professor Elisabeth Whitehead

Commentary

In “Defeating Fear’s Grip” Sophia lets us feel first as she re-experiences a pivotal moment in her childhood, a school dance, as the bright sounds and lights begin to overwhelm her. Through the immediacy of her details, sensory language, the use of the present tense, and a slowing down of the moment on the page, she allows us to experience her fear with her. With her, we feel the music in our bones and our hearts pulsing too loudly. We see the faces spinning around us, the walls pulsing in. Later, on the playground, we participate in her internal monologue as she cradles her broken wrist after falling from the monkey bars. Do I tell the teacher I have fallen? “No, no you cannot. What if she causes a commotion? What if she gets mad at you? What if she decides to take the monkey bars off the playground because she thinks they’re too dangerous for the other kids since you got hurt? Do you really want to be the one responsible for everyone not having fun?” The use of questions and italics here create a moment that feels immersive, immediate, and urgent.

Sophia’s narrative choices throughout the essay bring her experiences to life. This is important both to those who will recognize themselves in her story, as well as those who had a limited understanding of GAD. She moves seamlessly from narrative, from experience and emotion, to educating and defining, and then back to narrative again. Though Sophia’s distinct voices as a writer are at play in this essay, they meld, speaking to each other and helping us to find clarity in different ways—clarity in psychological definitions, in research and studies, as well as the clarity of emotional understanding. The essay, speaking from within these different voices, always feels cohesive, and always, she speaks a language of compassion. One thing I appreciate so much in this essay is Sophia’s willingness to share her very personal experiences, to help support her readers and affect larger change within the educational system.

Assignment

Essay 4: Narrative Advocacy

For your fourth paper, develop an argument built on the foundation of personal narrative on an issue of concern to you.

Narrative arguments make it possible for writers to illustrate a point by appealing to their audience, invoking experience, and creating a sense of identification with the controversy at hand. Key to creating an effective narrative argument is establishing credibility (your audience must believe you and trust your presentation) and establishing representativeness (the audience needs to understand that your narrative reflects a larger problem beyond the scope of its events).

Choose a subject that is tightly focused. You will want to keep your work balanced rhetorically by accompanying the emotional appeal of your story with strong credibility and with logical evidence (both anecdotal and researched) to support your claims.

Think in terms of an experience that made you realize that something was wrong or that something needed to be changed, and from which you gained essential knowledge about yourself and about the workings of the world around you. Tell a story that allows you to establish your position on the controversy and provide support for your claims. A well-told story often engages in vivid description. Create presence in your details. Your readers should really feel that they too, by reading your account, are there beside you, and can hear, see, smell, and touch those surroundings. Clean and vivid details can help set scene and tone. Therefore, be specific, descriptive, and engaging.

Successful papers will provide a rhetorically balanced narrative argument and will be clearly and engagingly written. You should conduct enough research to provide relevant, external support for your position. Your paper should include at least three sources (books, magazines, journals, newspapers, interviews, films, and/or texts from the academic databases), but use as many sources as you need.

Editor Comments

1
The strong sensory details pique the reader’s curiosity by dropping us in the middle of the scene. ↩︎
2
Sophia’s use of repetition bombards us to create a sense of just how overwhelmed she felt. ↩︎
3
This metaphor works to convey the intensity of this feeling by putting the image of a dam bursting in the reader’s head. ↩︎
4
These vivid details bring the reader into the moment by creating a sense of urgency. ↩︎
5
Here we see Sophia’s essay title, and begin to understand its relevance. ↩︎
6
Sophia’s use of language allows the reader to seamlessly transition into another scene that exemplifies her research. ↩︎
7
The choice of words allows Sophia to transmit a frantic, panicked feeling. She does this by quoting a thought of hers and intentionally writing “Eyes” instead of “my eyes,” which gives the feeling that she doesn’t have time to elaborate, just as your brain doesn’t craft lengthy sentences when you are in a panic. ↩︎
8
These successive, spiraling questions give the reader an inside look of third-grade Sophia’s mind. ↩︎
9
This small detail reveals the extent of Sophia’s injury, making it clear that her thought process did not match the situation. ↩︎
10
This smooth transition sets up the perfect opportunity for Sophia to discuss her research. ↩︎
11
Sophia emphasizes the seriousness of the issue by contrasting generalized anxiety disorder with common worrying. ↩︎
12
Another transition effortlessly transports the reader to another significant scene. ↩︎
13
This sensory image takes us to this moment and makes us feel empathetic by describing a bodily experience we can all relate to. ↩︎
14
Sophia’s use of third person shows that she is coming to a realization about herself. ↩︎
15
This urgent description snaps the reader into this next scene. ↩︎
16
By placing these two sentences of different lengths side-by-side, the contrast between the effort Sophia put into her plan and the temporary nature of her fix is made more apparent. ↩︎
17
The use of second person powerfully confirms that what Sophia was experiencing was unhealthy by taking herself out of the situations. ↩︎
18
Sophia’s choice to add an exact amount of time increases her credibility and the persuasiveness of her argument. ↩︎
19
By discussing physical health in the same sentence, readers are reminded of the importance of mental health, which is often overlooked. ↩︎
20
This personal example woven into a research section keeps the essay feeling cohesive, and ensures that Sophia does not lose her own voice. ↩︎
21
This fact, presented in the form of a rhetorical question, provides evidence that the topic being discussed is not only real, but urgent. ↩︎
22
This concrete example proves that Sophia’s suggestions are viable. ↩︎
23
These statistics serve to startle the reader into the reality of the prevalence of this issue. ↩︎
24
Including the study brings a new reality to Sophia’s essay, as they prove the experience that we have already felt from her personal narrative. ↩︎
25
Sophia proves, through her personal anecdote, that the solutions she is advocating for truly work. ↩︎
26
Sophia’s personal details remind the reader that her story is a human one, and that the reader easily could have been in her position. ↩︎
27
This bodily description emphasizes the significance of Sophia’s realization. ↩︎
28
These specifics allow the reader to imagine themselves in Sophia’s place. ↩︎
29
Sophia’s progress, crafted through sensory details, concludes this essay beautifully by coming full circle. “The loud rhythms, energetic crowds, and flashing lights” and “suffocated into silence” specifically brings us back to the beginning of the essay, completing this journey we have embarked on with Sophia. ↩︎